


Well Jesus Christ I'm Alone Again

by FayeHunter



Series: Bloodied Up In A Bar Fight [1]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Fighting, M/M, its ashton's fear of coming out mixed with luke's anger at being a secret, there is nothing good here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 21:13:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29267046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FayeHunter/pseuds/FayeHunter
Summary: Luke's whole world comes crashing down on a Tuesday
Relationships: Luke Hemmings/Ashton Irwin
Series: Bloodied Up In A Bar Fight [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2144676
Comments: 3
Kudos: 12





	Well Jesus Christ I'm Alone Again

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lifewasradical](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lifewasradical/gifts).



> [Amanda](https://lifewasradical.tumblr.com/) sent me a prompt for "please don't leave me alone" for Lashton. She also requested "I would love for you to write a pre-barfight piece with either the original fight or the time where Luke was alone without Ashton." Well, I couldn't not give in and write this. So please enjoy this prequel to bar fight aka the break up fight.
> 
> Title from Jesus Christ by Brand New

It all comes crashing down on a Tuesday. Tuesday is date night. It’s been a long standing tradition for Luke and Ashton since they started dating about a year ago. It’s not that they don’t spend time together the other days of the week, since they’re always over at each other’s houses for band reasons or boyfriend reasons, but they always make it a point to go out on Tuesday. They get dressed up and they go out to dinner and they have a good time. 

Well, Luke has a good time. He likes going out with Ashton, holding his hand, stealing kisses in between bites of food. Luke’s favorite thing is telling their waiter that “this is my boyfriend, we’re on a date,” and smiling when the waiter says something sweet back. Ashton however, seems to tense up as soon as they’re in public. He’s fine when they’re at home, stealing kisses from Luke, and he’s fine in the car, holding Luke’s hand over the center console. He’s even fine in the restaurants they go to, makes a point of going to the smaller ones where they’re less likely to be recognized. Luke  _ gets it _ . He doesn’t want random fans interrupting their dates, doesn’t want to be harassed during private times. However, as soon as Luke says  _ we’re on a date, _ Ashton clams up. His smile looks fake and he looks stiff. He thaws out eventually, holding Luke’s hand under the table and sharing bites of his food, but there’s always that initial hesitation. Luke was hoping after 12 months, Ashton would get better, but clearly, he hasn’t.

Tonight is worse. They’re going to a slightly more popular restaurant, something that they keep getting rave reviews about. Michael had gushed about the place when he took Crystal on a date last month and Calum had said something similar last week after a date with his girlfriend. Even though Luke and Ashton typically avoid those kinds of places, for fear of being recognized, the reviews had swayed them. Besides, Luke has reasoned, it’s a Tuesday night. What could happen on a Tuesday night?

When they get to the restaurant, it’s crowded. Not in the way it would be if it was a weekend, but enough that Ashton drops Luke’s hand and puts space between them. Luke’s heart drops at that. They’ve been holding hands since Ashton picked Luke up from his house, greeted him at the door with a kiss. Now, Ashton barely looks in Luke’s direction as he talks to the hostess, like he’s worried that if they so much as acknowledge each other, a neon sign proclaiming that they’re together will go off.

The hostess leads them back to the table and they sit across from each other. Luke thinks it’s silly when people on dates sit next to each other and he’s said so many times. Luke reaches across the table, reaching out a hand for Ashton. Ashton takes it, interlocking their fingers and squeezing. The waiter comes up, asks what they want to order, eyebrows raised when she seems to recognize them. Ashton drops Luke’s hand, straightening up, and placing his order. Luke’s heart drops. It’s fucking date night and it’s been weird since they walked in and he was hoping sitting down would make it better, but it didn’t and now he’s not even going to get anything from his boyfriend because Ashton’s worried about being in public.

It’s been an ongoing argument since the first month they dated. Anything Luke tries to broach the topic, hesitantly brings up the idea about coming out, telling the world outside of their family and the band that they’re dating, Ashton shuts him down. It’s an old, played out explanation that Ashton’s worried about their image, about what people will think, about the insults and the names and what the industry will think of them. Luke’s tired of it. He’s tired of feeling like a secret, like Ashton’s ashamed of him, of them, of his own sexuality. Usually Luke can brush it off during a date but for some reason, he can’t shake it tonight, watching how stiff Ashton is during their meal, half listening to Luke’s jokes. It’s only once they’re out of the restaurant that Ashton eases up, taking Luke’s hand again, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek. Luke relaxes, eases into the touch, fond.

Then, they run into some fans on the street. It takes them both by surprise, the girls coming up to them, gushing about the band, asking for a photo. Luke doesn’t mind, always happy to interact with people who love their music. Ashton agrees, smile stiff and body language hesitant, like he’s worried they saw the kiss, them holding hands, like they’re going to run and tell the world that Luke Hemmings and Ashton Irwin were making out in the middle of the street. It leaves a sour taste in Luke’s mouth, puts a cloud on the rest of their date, that follows them all the way to the car and back to Luke’s house. The drive is filled with stiff silence, awkward tension. They’re walking on a tightrope, neither of them wanting to be the first to break it, snap the rope and bring it all up.

They’ve barely made it through the door to Luke’s place, shut it behind them before Luke finally opens his mouth and breaks the silence.

“Ashton, do you not want to keep dating?”

“What gave you that idea?” Ashton says, pausing in his movement to hang up his coat, looking over at Luke. Luke twists his ring around his finger, shrugging as Ashton finishes, turning fully to face Luke.

“It’s just...it’s been a year. We’ve been together for a year and you still don’t want to come out. Which, I respect and I understand that it’s your decision, but I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling like a dirty secret, like a skeleton in your closet.”

“That’s not what I think of this relationship.”

“It doesn’t feel like that. Tonight was date night and you spent the whole time putting as much space between the two of us as you could.”

“I like my privacy Luke, you know that.”

“And I like my privacy too, but there’s a fine line between privacy and literally hiding the fact that you’re bisexual and that we’re dating,” Luke says. He’s trying to keep his voice level, hoping that Ashton will understand what it is that Luke’s saying, what it is that he’s asking of Ashton.

“What are you trying to say?”

“I’m trying to say that it’s been a year. It’s been a year and we’re happy and I want to be able to tell the world that. We don’t have to post every little thing about our personal lives, but fuck Ash, I want to be able to hold your hand in public and not have you flinch away.”

“I love you Luke, but I don’t know that I want to come out,” Ashton says, hesitant and slow. Luke’s heart stops.

“What?”

“I don’t want to come out. I don’t want the whole world to suddenly start judging us based on that. I don’t want people to look at our music and the only thing they can talk about is how we’re dating. I don’t want that to influence how often our music is played on the radio, or who listens to our music. I want to keep the two things separate.”

“What the fuck?” Luke asks, shock and anger bleeding into this tone.

“We’ve talked about this before.”

“No we haven’t. You’ve mentioned wanting to be private, but you’ve  _ never _ hinted at the fact you just don’t want to come out. That you’d rather keep us a secret forever than let our relationship taint the music.”

“You’re twisting my words,” Ashton says, voice rising, hands clenched at his sides.

“If you don’t want to be out, why don’t we just break up then?”

“Luke, that’s not what I want, you know that’s not what I want.”

“How can I know? You won’t even talk to me. You just keep saying how you don’t want to come out, don’t want anyone to know about us. Like you’re ashamed of us. I want to plan a future with you and you won’t even hold my hand in public,” Luke’s shaking now, can barely hold on. If Ashton won’t talk to him, he just wants him to go.

“Luke, please. It’s not about being ashamed of you at all. I just...I don’t want to have our sexuality or our relationship cloud people’s judgement of our music. I don’t want it to be the only thing people think about when they see us.” 

“Ashton, I want to talk about a future with you without you constantly second guessing us.” 

Ashton pauses, glancing away from Luke. Luke feels cold, ice in his veins. Ashton’s silence is deafening, Luke’s heart sinking.

“Ashton, you do think about a future for us?” 

“I just...we’re so young Luke. I don’t want to give you promises and words that might not be true in the future. I don’t want to hang everything on where we are at 25.” 

“But you’ll hang everything on starting a band at 16. You’ll hang everything on that. You’ll tell me to my face that you don’t think we can last when we’ve known each other for 10 years.” 

“We’ve only been dating for a year. I don’t want to lock you into something so soon.” 

“You mean, you don’t wanna fuck up the band by coming out and dumping me later,” Luke says, tone clipped.

“That’s not what I’m saying and you know it,” Ashton snaps back, brows furrowed and anger bleeding into his tone. 

“No I don’t Ashton! You’re suddenly telling me all this shit about how you don’t think we’re going to last or have a future together. What’s the fucking point of us dating if you know you’re going to break up with me in the future?” Luke snaps. He can’t believe he’s thought about a future with Ashton only to hear that Ashton doesn’t think they’re long-term enough. 

“I’m not having this fucking conversation with you right now. You’re being unreasonable.” 

“I don’t think I’m being unreasonable by asking you to be open about your sexuality and us. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable by asking if you want a future. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable by asking my  _ boyfriend  _ to stop acting like he’s ashamed of me.” 

“Well, you’re being pretty fucking rude and I’m not talking with you right now.”

“Then go! If you don’t give a shit, if you don’t want to try, then just fucking go!” Luke screams. He’s blinded by rage, flare in his chest at the idea that Ashton doesn’t even want to listen to him, doesn’t even want to try. 

Luke’s words hang in the air, the implication in them clear. Luke’s just about declared a break-up without saying the words. There’s a beat, where Luke and Ashton stare at each other, surprise mirrored on their faces. 

“Is that what you really want?” Ashton asks, hard edge in his voice, face stony.

_ No. _ “Yes. If you won’t listen to me, to anything I have to say, then I don’t see how this relationship can keep going,” Luke says. He’s shaking, begging for Ashton to prove him wrong, for Ashton to stop for a moment and just  _ talk to him _ . The words hang in the air, the finality of the statement. 

There’s a moment where Luke thinks maybe Ashton will be the reasonable one, that he’ll call Luke out on his attitude and how he’s acting and say they’ll talk about it later, that he’ll come over and kiss Luke  _ because you can’t go to bed angry,  _ and everything will be fine. Instead, Ashton nods, face unreadable. Luke’s heart drops. 

“Right then. Guess I’ll just...head home,” Ashton says. Ashton turns around, heading towards the door. Luke stays rooted to his spot, hands shaking. He’s scared that if he moves, his legs will give out and he’ll fall to the floor. The idea that a year of dating, a lifetime of friendship, is ending right here as Ashton grabs his jacket off the hook, gets his hand on the doorknob.

“Please don’t leave me alone,” Luke whispers, sorrow opening up in his chest, empty broken feeling. Hoping that maybe if Ashton will hear him this one last time, he’ll stay. Ashton stills, hand on the doorknob and Luke thinks for a moment that maybe, maybe Ashton will turn around, apologize, that it was all a misunderstanding and they can be together, that  _ Ashton won’t leave Luke. _ Instead Ashton turns the knob. 

“I’ll be back to get my things,” he mumbles, words distant and broken as he walks out the door, shuts it behind him. Luke collapses, shaking with tears and the overwhelming idea of what’s just happened. He wraps his arms around himself, sobbing, begging for Ashton to come back through the door and say he’s sorry and pull Luke into a hug, for Luke to get up the courage to call him, apologize, beg him to come back. 

Neither of those happen. Luke’s left alone, on the floor of his living room, crying salty wet tears until his body is wrung dry and he can’t do much more than sniffle, broken and alone, trapped in misery of his own making. 

***

Luke wakes up, jolted awake by yet another nightmare. He reaches out, chest tight, breath shallow, trying to grasp for Ashton. 

The bed is empty next to him. Luke groans, rolling over, mouth wrapped around the syllables of Ashton’s name before his head catches up with the rest of him, heart stopping when he realizes that Ashton isn’t there. Ashton’s not there and he won’t be ever again because they’ve broken up. It’s been four days and they’re not together anymore. 

Luke collapses onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. The room is basking in the light glow from the moonlight. Luke doesn’t dare touch his phone or look at his clock, knows that if he does it will relieve that it’s far too early for him to be awake. 

It keeps happening. Luke can’t sleep anymore. The bed is too empty, vast and barren without Ashton. Luke can’t fall asleep without Ashton pressed behind him it seems. Luke hates that he’s grown so accustomed to Ashton’s presence that it’s interrupted his ability to do something as basic as sleeping. He just can’t fucking sleep. He keeps closing his eyes or laying on his back, exhausted, but unable to actually shut his body off. Everything is too big, too loud. Things he never noticed before, like the sound of the air kicking on or how bright the nightlight in the bathroom is, keep him up. The shittiest thing is that even once he falls asleep, he’s jolted awake by some form of a nightmare. It slips through his fingers as soon as he wakes up, unable to place the panic in his veins and the pounding of his heart. All it’s doing is cutting down on his already short sleep cycle. He barely sleeps through the night and what little he can nap during the day is usually interrupted by the simple fact that he’s awakened by something else. 

So Luke’s barely sleeping and he’s barely doing anything else. He hasn’t left his house in four days, probably hasn’t showered in at least two, and he can’t place when he last ate. Luke hates how apparent it’s become that he needs Ashton to do basic human things. Without Ashton to remind him of time passing or routines or meal times, Luke finds that he’s losing track of what he needs to do. Dinner is less appealing when there’s no one to make it with, to share it with. Showers don’t matter when you have no one to see. Sleep apparently is pointless without another body there with him. Luke hasn’t had nightmares like this since he was 16. Now they’ve overwhelmed even his most basic body function. It’s the first time in a long time Luke’s been truly alone. 

Luke rolls over again onto his side, curling up into a ball and squeezing his eyes shut. Whether he’s trying to will himself to sleep or stop the tears from coming, Luke’s not sure. Luke can’t believe how much he’s cried in the last few days. He certainly isn’t drinking enough water for how many tears his body seems to be making. Everytime Luke thinks he’s finally done crying, a new wave of tears overtakes him. Luke’s miserable, missing Ashton, and made even more miserable by the fact that it’s his own fault. If he hadn’t started the stupid fight, told Ashton to leave, he wouldn’t be having this problem right now. If Luke could just work up the courage to call Ashton, to apologize for what he said,  _ beg _ Ashton to come back, he wouldn’t be having this problem. But Luke is stupid and stubborn and he doesn’t want to admit to anyone that he’s having this problem. Not Michael or Calum or his mum or god forbid, have Ashton find out. Luke doesn’t want anyone to know that he’s a stupid 24 year old who can’t survive without his fucking boyfriend.  _ Ex-boyfriend _ his brain supplies, sending Luke into a fresh spiral of tears, burying his face into the pillow as he sobs.

Luke hears noise at his bedroom door, looking up to see Petunia wandering, snuffling her way around the room. Luke holds a hand out to her, cooing until she makes me way over. Luke knows she misses Ashton, confused by the missing body that’s usually in their space, complaining about getting in his way, while also feeding her snacks. Sometimes, Luke thinks Petunia likes Ashton more than him. 

Petunia comes to the edge of the bed, putting her paws up on the bed and sticking her nose in Luke’s face, sniffing. Luke sits up, picking her up and getting her onto the bed with him. She pats at the bed, trying to smooth down the covers into a position that she likes before settling in. Luke curls himself around her, burning his face into her fur, trying to muffle his own tears.

“Please don’t leave me alone,” he whispers into Petunia’s fur. She snuffles, unaware of what’s going on around her, how much her owner’s life has been altered. Luke knows it’s silly, asking his dog to not leave him, but he’s hoping maybe if he says it enough, that maybe he’ll stop missing him. That maybe the hole in his heart will repair itself and he can stop being so broken. Maybe everything will be alright ( _ Or maybe, _ the voice in his head says, that maybe if he says it enough,  _ Ashton will come back. Maybe Ashton will come back and he won’t be so alone _ ). Either way, Luke thinks as his body gives up and he drifts to sleep, it’s late night, empty promises to himself that everything will be different in the morning.

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on [tumblr!](https://pixiegrl.tumblr.com/) Talk to me about Stardust, 5sos, Luke Hemmings, or you can sidetrack me by giving me more fic ideas!


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